Not so long ago, I was a struggling middled aged nobody with a wife and two small children to feed. Like so many others, mine was a tired and often heard story of the under-qualified and over-experienced, hard up 40 something that we read about every so often.
But to me, my difficulties were unique, special and no one would have understood or appreciated what I was going through.
Sound familiar?
When we wear the shoes of grief and sadness, it always shrouds our common sense and ability to see ahead. We get too embroiled in trying so hard to resolve the current issues that we often forget that there always is a bigger picture, a future and a light at the end of the tunnel. These ugly shoes also concern us with what others may think of us and magnifies our ugliness in our own eyes.
The truth is no one cares about you and your problems. They are probably too embroiled in their own concerns to be concerned about you. Anyone who says that they understand is probably lying to make you feel better. In actuality, they don’t help except to make you feel better for a little while. After they’ve gone, you’re still wearing those ugly shoes.
I got out of my ugly shoes by realising that the ones who really care are the ones who really put in an effort to help. For some people, this help never comes.
So I looked in the mirror and asked myself who really cared the most? The answer was right in front of me. And if I really cared for myself, then the only person who could help me … was myself.
In 2001, I took the last big hit of my life when I became a bankrupt. It was the result of a string of events that led me to that point in my life. Looking back, I believe that all those events happened for a reason and that reason was to lead me to the point in my life in which I now stand.
My bankruptcy was brought on not because of failure in business but rather, failing to manage the success of a brilliant business plan. The business plan then becomes the point of focus because if it had been planned properly, it shouldn’t have failed. The failure to plan properly was the result of being overconfident in my previous two experiences with failures. Thinking that I had learnt from these mistakes, I became arrogant and failed to educate myself more about the business of business.
The story goes backward and backward to the point when as a young promising independent Producer in the Commercial Film and Media Industry, I thought that the best way to learn anything was to start from the bottom and work yourself to the top, which I had done in the first 6 years of my production career. As one of the top rated independent producers of that time, I had made it the hard way with hard work and experience. I did not have a formal education in media nor corporate communication. I did not think it necessary to further myself with that education. I was top rated and successful.
The first failure came about when I was the Executive Producer of Singapore’s 2nd best Production House. I was headhunted and made an offer that was flattering, to say the least. We were soon raking in the big bucks and living the high life. I upgraded my car, bought a bigger wallet to accommodate more credit cards and decided to start a family. Then it happened.
The lesson I took from that experience was never to be ignorant of the company’s bottom line. In my capacity, it was not my job or responsibility but in the end, I was left high and dry, out of work, in debt because my cards were heavily saddled with company expenses and expecting our first child in a couple of months. The company’s failure became my problem.
The second failure was also not my fault but became my problem when I was again headhunted and paid a handsome salary to be the General Manager of the Media Division of a now defunct and once leading leisure and travel group. Although I can conveniently blame the Asian Financial Crisis for the closure of my division, I could have done more, in hindsight, if I had been more qualified and educated about managing such a business. I could also seek solace in the fact that in spite of any effort, the group was doomed anyway. But the result was the same; I was again out of work and expecting our second child.
The difference now was that I was getting more expensive to hire as my experience and curriculum vitae was getting more and more impressive. I was also demanding an income to maintain my growing family and affluent lifestyle (which I had become too accustomed to) and constant need to keep up with the image I had built for myself. Naturally, those opportunities never came and I decided to go into business for myself. I had the experience. I had the contacts. I also had a good idea and plan. In retrospect, there was nothing else to do unless I wanted to look at downgrading myself.
Unthinkable! Conrad was too good to be downgraded. What would people think?
To cut a very long story short, the business was a resounding success and I had to cope with this growth. So I hired more and expanded within a year in anticipation of more business. I spent money I had not collected and didn’t have. I kept faith that the business was good and could only get better. I became more ambitious and grew ever more careless. I turned an ignorant eye to the basic rule of business (which I felt was someone else’s responsibility) and neglected my cash flow.
By the end of 1999, recession was evident and again I was ignorant and defiant to the fact that one of the first businesses to suffer during a recession were the advertising and media related ones. My company’s debts ran high and I compounded my impending fate by personally guaranteeing on several large debts. This I did out of pride in the hope of buying more time to stave off failure. By the year 2000, I could not afford to pay out salaries and my staff walked out. I could not collect on some of the outstanding invoices owed to my company as these companies were also in dire straits and were about to wind up. The realisation of my failure brought on my first and only nervous breakdown and I had become suicidal. All my so-called friends were no where to be found. It was the most traumatic experience I would never want to relive. Trauma. To you, it may just be another terrible word. Unless you have actually lived through trauma, you could never come close to understanding its true meaning.
The worse was yet to come. My wife, after two previous let downs, could no longer stand my self destructive personality. She had warned me time and again about what I was doing and the possible ramification of my actions, or lack thereof. Pride preceded common sense and I refused to be seen as a man that allowed his wife to control his destiny. How I wished I had listened to her.
She then became the rock behind my revival.
We (gasp!) downgraded. We sold the car and took the bus. We squeezed into a three room flat and sold off our precious things that we didn’t have space for. We adjusted our lifestyle and prepared for a life of poverty. Finally, she advised me to take bankruptcy as an option as opposed to a life in debt.
It was the worse thing I could do but the best advise I ever had. Looking back, I wouldn’t be writing this book had I not been forced by my wife to swallow my pride and grovel for a living. And that is just what I did.
As a 36 year old former Managing Director, former GM of a leading leisure group, former Executive Producer of the country’s (and possibly region’s) second most successful production house and former top independent Producer, I was now over experienced, underqualified, approaching middle age and worse of all, bankrupt. Who would hire me now, in the middle of a full blown recession?
I went back to my roots and picked up several books on design and taught myself how to edit video and audio. As I learnt this new skill, several old clients from the past kept faith in my abilities and kept a constant flow of work coming to help me out. I began to regain my confidence and realised that learning was the key to my next success. I continued to churn out the work from my humble home and ran my small freelance business with low or no cost. It helped to pay the bills. The wife, needless to say, became the breadwinner and sole motivation for my comeback.
One of the clients to bring a steady flow of work in for me, was none other than my co-writer, Adam Khoo. I knew Adam’s father from my days in advertising and through this connection, we met and developed a working relationship. I soon learnt, by producing a lot of Adam’s materials, the importance of self belief and the power of a positive mind set. I learnt to set goals for myself and resolved to do whatever it took to get my life back on track.
Education would be key to this success and I was prepared to learn anything when the opportunity presented itself. Experience is only good in hindsight … education prepares you for the future. Or like Vernon Sanders Law said,
“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.”
This was the turning point of my life.
